Two Thousand and Seven, The Twenty-Sixth
01/04/2007, 21:45

Close your legs, open your mind, leave those compliments well behind, dig a little deeper into yourself, and you may find�

Come over here, just sit right down, needn�t comb your hair, needn�t pout or frown. I hear you�ve turned our young men into dribbling clowns�

This week saw Smash on his visit to the counsellor.

Don�t worry, I�m not back on the shite, it�s a thing I volunteered for in work last year. Asked for volunteers for some �Question and Answer� sessions with a counsellor/therapist person so they could build up a profile of people who work for our department (countrywide) I for some reason volunteered and was chosen.

Ha!

And it might have been interesting, if the lady in question had not procured her degree from a packet of Frosties, (though fortunately she was typing everything and I made her give me a printout of the transcript, the gems of which shall be relayed to you. Okay, have a nap instead then you ungrateful fuckers.)

I walked in the room to find the lady in question sat in a chair, with another chair directly in front of her, and I mean directly. If I had tried to sit in it, my legs would have been on her lap.

She gestured for me to sit down and I pulled the chair back slightly, sat down and smiled.

Before she had even introduced herself, the following conversation ensued.

Counsellor: Why did you just move that chair back? Do you feel threatened by my presence?

Smash: (with an almost audible groan) No.

Counsellor: You seem very certain.

Smash: I am. It was so that you wouldn�t have to endure my legs being on your lap.

She then introduced herself and shook my hand and we got down to business. I have to say though, she was very patronising, which is why I may seem sharper than I would have done if I hadn�t felt like I was being treated like an idiot.

Counsellor: I don�t want you to feel uncomfortable about any of the questions I am going to ask you.

Smash: Don�t worry, you won�t. I wouldn�t have volunteered for this in the first place if I�d had any qualms about it.

Counsellor: Okay. Well let�s start with some basic questions. What is your finest quality?

Smash: (after a little thought) Well, I like the fact I can be comfortable with various groups of people, rather than just what people have termed �my own kind.�

Counsellor: Your own kind?

Smash: Yeah. Metal heads, rockerdudes, the sort of people I hang around with. I have a diverse range of people as friends, both in the here and now, and on the internet.

Counsellor: You seek to make friendships on the internet?

Smash: Well I view it as another method of communicating with people. I guess it�s sort of like having pen pals, only you can talk to them in what they call real time, like there and then. Sort of as if you were on the telephone, except you read the words rather than hear them.

Counsellor: So you feel you are unable to form friendships without the mask of the internet?

Smash: That�s bollocks. I have plenty of friends I have made in what you might call the traditional way, but also I have friends I have made online who are just as important to me as those who aren�t.

Counsellor: Have you ever formed a bond with a female on the internet?

Smash: Do you mean have I sought �love� on the internet by finding a member of the opposite sex and looking to strike up a relationship as opposed to just a friendship?

Counsellor: If you choose to view it that way, yes.

Smash: No. I can honestly say I have never looked for a relationship on the internet. Though I know personally of some successful ones, I prefer to meet someone face t face and take it from there.

Counsellor: Why is that?

Smash: I like to see people�s reactions and body language and hear them speak. I can judge better their intentions and level of honesty I think, which is important to me.

Counsellor: You despise dishonesty?

Smash: I didn�t say I despised it. It�s a trait I don�t find appealing in people, sure. But I�d find it unappealing in anyone, not just someone I think I might like to have a relationship with. I�m a very honest, straightforward person. My friends know that while I don�t place demands on them, I want them to be honest with me.

Counsellor: So you don�t think it�s ever necessary to be dishonest?

Smash: Well that comes down to the �Is telling a white lie acceptable?� argument. Rather than go into minor fiddling details, I�ll just say that I want my friends and loved ones to be honest with me, as I afford them the same courtesy.

Counsellor: Is that because you have an inability to distinguish when people are telling the truth?

Smash: Not at all. In fact I would say I am a very good judge of people, possibly it�s one of the few things I show any aptitude for, which is why when I happen upon someone who is dishonest or a liar, I find it so disagreeable. I�m very able to spot artifice within people, and will comment on it, which sometimes makes people uncomfortable. But if a person is true to themselves and me � should they come into contact with me � then I don�t see that there is a problem.

Counsellor: But sometimes people need to cover up aspects of themselves, and even if you are able to spot it, does it make it right that you should voice the fact they are hiding something?

Smash: Why shouldn�t I?

Counsellor: I think it is me who is supposed to ask the questions.

Smash: Okay, give me an example of what could be so bad that someone would need to cover it up to function �normally� in the world.

Counsellor: That�s�

Smash: Not a question, more a request.

Counsellor: Well, they might feel that they might be ridiculed for something if they chose to reveal it to the world at large.

Smash: I�m not talking about the world at large. You�re assuming I mean that everyone in the world should be always honest, 100% of the time.

Counsellor: Aren�t you?

Smash: Read back your notes. I was talking about people who I spend time with, and who choose to spend time with me. I don�t see the point in spending time with people or having friends who won�t be honest with me � and vice versa � because then it�s a friendship founded on lies.

Counsellor: You seem to see the world very much in black or white. Does this trouble you?

Smash: Yes and no.

Counsellor: Pardon?

Smash: Just my little joke. Your observation is incorrect, however. I recognise that there are many shades � grey areas if you like � to many situations, but that said, in others, there is often a clear cut case, so why piss about?

Counsellor: Do you expect people to behave the way you want them to behave?

Smash: Of course not. That�s the biggest pile of wank I�ve ever heard. I don�t expect � or have any right to expect � people to behave in any way at all. I don�t expect people to tell me how to behave or live my life, I rely on my own experiences and what I�ve been taught, and I view it as the same way for other people. I�d be disgusted and ashamed if any of my friends thought I was telling them how to live their lives.

Counsellor: How about your boss?

Smash: What about her?

Counsellor: Does she tell you how to behave?

Smash: Well, she tells me what she expects from me regarding work. She recognises the fact that I say what I think and don�t dress it up, but she respects that, and, out of respect for her, I don�t do anything that I think would annoy her unfairly or that she would find inappropriate.

Counsellor: So if you didn�t respect her you wouldn�t be that courteous?

Smash: Well, I certainly wouldn�t give a shit what she thought about me.

Counsellor: I see.

Ha! Poor thing. I guess they don�t pay her enough as a proper counsellor so she has to come into a crummy office like mine and speak to shitheads like me.

Heh.

\m/ xxx