The Wanderer Returns...
26/12/2009, 01:19

Hello!

Jolly good to see you all!

Well, that is assuming �all� of you read this shitty old thing that I haven�t updated since August. (August!? Has it really been that long? I�m fuckin sorry. I am a bad dude.)

Well, umm... Merry Christmas to all of you for whom it is still Christmas Day, and slightly belated Christmas Day for all of you who (like myself) it isn�t.

So, I haven�t updated because I�ve been doing a million wonderful things that make saddo�s like you who update your diaries every day look sad because I have a life and you don�t, right?

Heh... umm.

Nah, not really. And I do realise that insulting my readers who have probably long forgotten me isn�t really the way to be winning back the oceans (!) of fans I had in a previous diarrheic life (hmm... doesn�t that word means there�s lots of poo involved? But it was what Word corrected my attempt to make up a new word �diariac�) to.

Hmm, so what has been happening?

Well, I�m still working both my jobs and saved a heap of cash toward my new motorbike, hehe. It shall deffo be purchased in the year 2010, that�s for sure. Given my usual four wheel gas mashin exploits of some 16 years now (really, is it that long? - as one particular babe said to yours truly during a drunken one night stand *ahem*) this is quite something. It�s not that I am bored with laying down lots of tyre in various car parks and streets throughout the UK, just that I realise I need a new enjoyment.

And seriously, if I am honest, given my not-too-bad prowess behind the wheel, it has been of great amusement to others (and myself) to see me trying to learn to ride a motorbike. Like, did you know the clutch and gears are operated with the back pawz (feet) instead of the front ones, like on a car? And that the throttle (accelerator) is done with the front pawz (hands) instead of the back ones?

I said to my friend K, who has ridden bikes since he was 12, �at least with cars you have some pretence at manliness when you say �I floored it out of the car park� but with a bike it sounds kinda camp and pussy to say �I really gave it some wrist action on the throttle and rode outta there fast!� � so I think perhaps I will just have to say I can now (since I lost a ton of weight while not diary writing hehe) impress the babes by saying how cute my ass looks all trussed up in biker leathers, hehe.

Okay, so an ugly fat bastard lost some weight and became an ugly slightly less fat bastard, but let me have my moment, okay?

Speaking of losing weight, it did not come without its pitfalls. Instead of taking my usual sandwiches and crisps (potato chips for you US darlings) to work, I did instead take healthier stuff like pasta and tuna salads etc., and continue to do so.

But there�s just one thing...

Salad + Smash = Farts like you have never heard IN YOUR LIFE.

Forget the large amounts of snow that the UK has seen recently, after a pasta and light mayonnaise salad I broke wind in the office and they had to shut two of the local schools down near work due to children and teachers suffering sudden and violent vomiting spells.

I guess it was kinda unkind to blame a lift related fart on that old lady from the third floor who had come to visit the cake sale we were holding for Children In Need earlier on in the year, but then one has to take a get out clause where one can find one, no?

In other news, I was in hospital in early November! Did I suffer some horrendous gas mashin related accident? No. Come off my friends bike? No again. Some life threatening illness? Nah. I had a �chronically infected� tooth. Hmm. Yeah, on the upper left, I have had my wisdom tooth out and also the molar next to it, but having always, for some reason, suffered on that side, a huge lump appeared over what was now the back tooth on the upper left jaw. After numerous visits to the dentist and fruitless attempts at solving the problem with antibiotics, I was referred to the hospital whereupon the kindly dentist doctor dude said it would have to be extracted.

Oh no, I thought, in mortal fear. The last time they took the other tooth out on that side, the poor woman dentist had to use a pair of pliers, a buzz saw and a hammer to get that little fucker out.

As you can imagine, the prospect of having another one out did not fill me with glee.

My mother accompanied her baby, bless her, as they recommended I didn�t go alone, and fortunately all was well, though I did feel somewhat stoned after the super strength local anaesthetic they gave me, and I did stumble on my exit from the hospital foyer.

Happy days!

Yeah so, I am kinda tired now and will retire to bobo-land.

It�s good to be back. I should do it more often, no? Perhaps not... hehe.

Luv and Merry Christmas to you all. It�s been a great day, hope yours has too.

Smash \m/ xxx \m/